Interracial Relationships

I've been going out with someone very special for two years now. I'd never have thought it possible that I would one day find someone as wonderful as him. A few weeks ago he asked me to be his wife and I'm now proudly wearing his ring.

Well, now a little problem has occured that really really bothers me: My parents are trying to talk me out of a marriage with him but are telling me at the same time he shouldn't take this personally, they like him, bla bla bla. And only because he is a black guy. And I am white. And races shouldn't mix. Whatever.

They say I'll be looked down on by society if I'm his wife, that I'll be responsible for my future children never getting anywhere in life and having a hard one to begin with, that I'll end up with a tough life myself and so on.

Now, I understand that my parents are just worried. But I don't get this narrow-mindedness. I don't understand why people judge other people by their skin color. I mean, if we rip the skin off people of any color we all look alike underneath - so what's the deal?

On one handside I am angry and frustrated, on the other handside I am scared as well. This whole issue has given me a few sleepless nights already.

I need an opinion from someone who's not personally involved in the whole issure. I'd really appreciate that.

Frankly, where you live will make a great difference in your life.

We've be friends with several mixed couples and they definetly will not live in some parts of the country.

"Not enough shoe polish to keep the problem fixed" was one comment from a wf/bm couple about turning down a job relocation. I assume this meant that she would have trouble in his family/community, something I hadn't considered before.

I heard that, too. Right now we live in Germany and people over here don't have that many problems with interracial couples - at least I never experienced anything of that sort. But my fiance wants to go back to the States one day which is absolutely fine with me ... although it is slightly unsettling when you hear stories. I was born and raised in Germany and I am getting the impression I am absoultely ignorant when it comes to racial problems.

If this were the 1950's I'd say your parents might be right. But it isn't the 1950's, its the 2000's and your parents are totally off the mark with this one.

Where you'll live will have some impact, but you need to realize that it has little to do with where you live, where you work, who you sleep with. The simple fact is there are narrow minded small people everywhere you go.

I'm lily white, from a family that came over here to fight against the colonials, my family has every kind of blood including american indian mixed into it. And yet, I've had idiots yell at me because I have a thick New York City accent and I live in Northern Idaho. Small minded people. You can find them under just about any nearby rock.

First off, be happy, you found a man you love and he loves you. His color doesn't enter into the equation at all.
Next, ask yourself, are those sleepless nights really coming from your reaction to what your parents are saying or could you be merely trying to mask pre-wedding jitters with transplanted fears from your parents?

Your Parents: OK, this is the tough one. Its time for you to sit them down, just you and them. Tell them that this is the man you love, and if they don't stop with the bigoted complaints, you just might opt to cut them out of your married life, and cut them off from any grandchildren. And tell them they owe your man an apology. Tell them that if they want to worry about your interracial relationship thats fine, but do so silently and NOT WHEN YOU AND HE ARE AROUND. You might also remind them that color should have no issue here what so ever and you're disappointed in them for thinking it does, and despite your upbringing, you've managed to mature beyond their narrow viewpoint (a little shaming never hurt anyone).

All this will have a couple possible effects.

1) Your parents will be rightfully ashamed of themselves and knock it off. (Thats what you want)

2) They will grumble and keep silent on the issue, but they still don't approve. (Not really all that good, but its acceptable as a temporary solution and would probably go away entirely when presented with a grandchild)

3) They will ignore your request, ignore your attempt to shame them into doing the right thing, at which point you may end up having to cut them off. Its a terrible thing to have to cut family off from your life. But sometimes it just isn't possible to reconcile your life with family. What you need to do at that point is decide, are you strong enough? Do you want to be happy, or return to the approval of your parents even when you know they are wrong? Parents are great, they nuture us and help us into adulthood. But we don't live our entire lives with our parents. In the long run we spend more time with our spouse than we do our parents.

4) The may go totally ballistic at which point you're stuck with everything I pointed out in option 3.

I hope everything works out for you.

It may depend on where you live in the States, but even that is diminishing. If you are planning on living near a large city, you will have no problems. Smaller, more rural communities may (and that is certainly not all) issues with mixed race couples.

I live in an extremely conservative part of California and just in my small work area we have an Hispanic female who is dating a black man, a black who is married and has children with a white woman, an Asian man married and has children with an Hispanic wife, and I am a white woman dating an Hispanic man. I know that my mother had issues with me dating a man who is Mexican, but hey - I'm 43, how much of a hold over my life can she have? She either accepts him or not. Either way, I'm still going to be with him, so it is easier for her to simply accept it.

Sure, sometimes when my partner and I go out we get a few "looks". But I can either let a few looks get to me or simply enjoy my time with him. I prefer to do the later.

If this man is the one you want to marry, there is no reason to worry. Your parents may kick up a fuss, but it is they who will suffer in the end. As far as any children you might have, I wouldn't worry. I've seen children going to school, and honest, anymore I can't tell the Asian kids from the black kids from the Hispanic kids most times. Studies have shown that as this world becomes a smaller place, races will become intermixed anyway. Already I know of people who, when filling out forms, really don't know what to check for Ethnicity - they have 2 or 3 or 4 races combined.

Just be certain that this man is the man for you. Once you have that firmly in mind, then plan that wedding and look forward to your life together!

As someone who has been there, done that...

Your parents can say all they want to. They can fret and bitch and moan. But in the end, YOU are wearing the ring, not them.

Perhaps remind them that they raised you to be the wonderful person you are...which includes the open mind and strong will that they now seem to have a problem with.

Our choices shape who we are. So whatever you do, as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror every morning, that's all that matters in the end. They don't have to answer to the questions and demands of your heart. YOU do. And it seems to me that you by taking that ring, you already made the decision that is best for you. Be at peace with that.

Tell them that you respect their opinion, but don't agree with it...and then tell them that you would like their support, but you don't necessarily have to have it. That kind of 'whatever will be' attitude often shocks a parent into growing up a little. Been there, babe. Trust me.

Enjoy your man...and congratulations on your engagement.

S.

Congratulations. May you and your man have a long and happy life together. And may everyone else learn to just suck it up and deal with it.

I'm divorced now but my exhusband is black.
My mother was happy as could be that I was getting married....till....I said mom are you sitting down (this converstation took place over the phone as to I was in a different state, NC to be exact at that time*
She was sitting so I disclosed to her mom he's black.
Well now the story changes, she tells me much of the same things your parents are telling to you and then some, used some hmmm rather colorful words to describe what she thought he was and we got into a big arguement over it.
Well we had two kids, both are now teens and both boys.
My husband and I are divorced not because of the racial things that others thought it's because of he and I not keeping our communications open, and other things involved.

Yes some (alot) will look down on you and feel that you lowered your standards. Have you? NO you're with the person that makes you happy. Right?

If you have kids, yeah they might have troubles but won't they have some kind of troubles with other kids any ways?
My son's are both dating white girls, and they're happy and so are thier gf's, they're making great grades in school.

Life has it's problems, but it's how you and your spouse to be deals with them and how you teach the kids to deal with them.

The people that will give you troubles concerning this are stupid ignorant people that really need to bud out of your business.

One time my mom told me as I was a teen ager that interracil kids are ugly, to this day I don't know how many interracial kids she's pointed out saying how cute they are and what not.

The area that you're in makes a difference on how people percieve you and your spouse.

I got married In NC, lol .
We got alot of flack about it.
But it didn't stop us we loved eachother (and still do do a point)
We just couldn't get our problems fixed we had destroyed eachothers trust way too much.
But we still talk to this day which is good for the kids.

But it's a matter of how you and your man feel about eachother.
Is you love strong enough to be able to see you through this and allow it to make you stronger.

What do you percieve in your future with him.
How have you seen people react to other interracial couples that you've seen.

It boils down to you and him, not anyone else or anything else.
Just you and him.
What do the two of you want out of life.
How do you want your lives to be.
Do you have the same life goals.
What kind of things do you have in common together.

Things like that.
It's for you to decide what makes you happy, not others and surely not society.

Frankly I think mixed couples are beautiful to behold.

Yes there's alot of stereo typical people out there closed minded as well, but in all actuallity how happy are they?
Do they let society tell them how they should live or do they do what makes them happy.

It's like my signature says, life is but a fleeting moment, (meaning it can be gone any time.)
We have to live life to the fullest every day, and life is truely a gift.

What makes you happy, what will make it where you don't have any regrets in life, god knows we have enough of them.
At least I know I do.

It's all a matter of you and him and if you think you can work through it all no matter how difficult it can or maybe will get.

My ex husband and I had people living across the street from us that had a gun out and tried to shoot him because of it. But that's am extream, from what I've seen and he and I were together for 13 yrs. it doesn't happen most of the time, those neighbors were nuts. LOL

Talk to other interracial couples find out thier perspective on it.
Bet they'll tell you that if others can't handle they shouldn't look and they need to mind thier own business.

Your parents can say all they want to. They can fret and bitch and moan.
But in the end, YOU are wearing the ring, not them. Perhaps remind them that they raised you to be the wonderful person you are...which includes the open mind and strong will that they now seem to have a problem with.
Our choices shape who we are.
So whatever you do, as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror every morning, that's all that matters in the end. They don't have to answer to the questions and demands of your heart. YOU do.
And it seems to me that you by taking that ring, you already made the decision that is best for you. Be at peace with that.
Tell them that you respect their opinion, but don't agree with it...and then tell them that you would like their support, but you don't necessarily have to have it.
That kind of 'whatever will be' attitude often shocks a parent into growing up a little. Been there, babe. Trust me.
Enjoy your man...and congratulations on your engagement.

Click to expand...

I couldn't agree more.

Marriage no matter what the situation, is always scary.
I was scared when I got married.

My bf and I are talking about getting married and in all actuallity is scares the living hell out of me.

It's normal trust me.

Well, I'll throw my two cents in on this thread. When I was younger, I lived with a very lovely black woman for a few months. I cared for her a lot, but as I was recovering from a divorce at the time, I decided to end the relationship. I was not strong enough emotionally to make a permanant relationship work at that time.

We are still friends today and work at the same facility, but the memory of my behavior still haunts me.

My daughter is married to a black man and I have a very lovely grand-daughter today from the marriage. I decided that I was not going to try to cut her off emotionally when they married. I still get to she her when she comes up to visit (they live in another state)

I know that she is always going to face some bigotry and racism due to her choice in life and I worry about that. I also know that no matter what I do, she will live her life and I will always try to be her daddy.

I also have a son married to a full blood Cherokee and a handsome grand-son from that marriage. Of course that is not the same as his sisters marriage in most peoples eyes, it was considered a terrible thing to do at one time.

Hopefully, we as a people will all mature in the years ahead. I hope this is true, but I see the white-power and skinheads almost everywhere I go and I worry.

I wish you the best in the future and hope that my fears prove unfounded. Relish your love and know that we are all unique.

They say I'll be looked down on by society if I'm his wife, that I'll be responsible for my future children never getting anywhere in life and having a hard one to begin with, that I'll end up with a tough life myself and so on.
The most important legacy you can give your kids is them knowing their parents have values, and that yuo would not let bigots look down upon you for living by them.

You'll do that by standing by your convictions and choice and by looking down on the prejudice instead of the other way around. You do not do that by letting racist preconceptions intimidate you from marrying the man you love. If he's a decent man and the two of you can hold your own socially and financially, then you're better off than most.

And like PinkOrchid said, most pepole in most places will not care about race. At least not once they get to know the character of the pepole behind the skin. And for those ignorant losers who still can't see past that, well that's their loss. I don't think it will cause you any substantial disadvantage.

Here's my part

I look about as white-girl as you can typicaly get. Dirty-blonde hair (tis only dyed red lol) bright blue eyes, pale pale skin. High cheekbones from my Cherokee Great-grandfather that I'm VERY proud of but otherwise pretty standard Anglo-saxon looking girl.
I feel head over heels for a man who is half mexican half german in his ancestory. My dad and philipino step mom were thrilled, my grandparents reserved and my mother was a bit iffy to say the least.
And oh the looks we get when we're together sometimes in the "mexican" part of town when we're home could kill a cat.
Sometimes you've just got to say Screw the lot of you, I love him so deal with it! and forge ahead. Its okay to talk to him about what's going on and what your parents are saying. He's obviously with you for the long haul and deserves to know whats going on.
*hugs* I hope everything works out for you. Hopefully your parents will see what a great guy you've found.

You guys have been such a help. It's good to hear some decent people's opinion!

I could say 95% of my relationships were interracial and my parents disapproved them outright. I know what you're going through but as I told my parents politely at the age of 18 "if we cut ourselves we all bleed the same color...red."

That didn't work out well in most cases and they gave up until one day I brought home a guy of the same race and they were estatic until things got out of hand. Let's just say I had to leave Hawaii in a hurry to get away from this creep who had the mentality "if I can't have you no one will" and to top it off he'd add "you'll end up 6 feet underground before anyone thinks about having you." Creepy and downright woke my parents up because none of the other guys I went out with were violent and threatening.

My parents are now gone but my mom's last conversation with me in a nutshell was that they shouldn't have interferred and forced their ideals upon me but they were just looking out for me since that's the way they were raised. In essence they were just doing what they were told to believe that sticking to your own is the safest and best thing to do.

My SO is white and I'm Asian mix, we're 10 years apart and my oldest sister has the same mentality as my parents but she knows well enough not to interfere and her husband keeps her in line. She's grown to accept him and knows that he's not going anywhere anytime soon or in the future. The rest of my family likes him.

Marriage is a serious thing and I made the mistake of not taking my time to get to know my ex. The main thing is you two love one another and if other people can't handle it well too bad. Sure you're going to run into some people who are voiceful and downright nasty but like I always tell them what I told my parents "we all bleed the same color". Hang in there. No matter where you go someone will give you some flack but as time goes by you'll grow stronger and find a way to deal with it or ignore it.

My SO irritates those who don't like the idea of us being a couple (we're not only interracial but we're also 10 years apart and he looks as if he's robbing the cradle as some people eloquently loudly comment at times) he holds onto me or gives me a big long hot juicy kiss and playfully touches me. That gets them to turn their heads and walk away, lol.

Yes here in Hawaii we have that problem at times and there are those of the older generation that can't handle or understand interracial relationships but they're either going to have to learn to accept it or turn their heads "cause we ain't gonna change our ways just to appease them. Our happiness is what counts and what we want is ours to choose.

Its all love...

This is why I'm so fortunate to be in the Bay Area....I'm actually a pretty good mix myself...
Irish
Finn
Swedish
Trinidadian

I love and respect every aspect of my heritage....

My sweetheart is Greek, French, Italian, and Russian so we're both all mixed up....Its a beautiful thing...

edited

it saddens me to know that even in this day and age the color of a persons skin can still take centerstage over their personality and humanity.
That said, I know that we do not live in Utopia and there are regrettably always going to be narrow minded idiots out there. I'm sorry for you that your parents are of that mindset, but as has been said THEY aren't the ones marrying this man, YOU are. If this is the man you love you don't see him as BLACK or WHITE, or ASIAN, or ITALIAN or anything other then the one you love. The real choice is if you feel that the love you share will be enough to overcome any unpleasantness the two of you may encounter. If you know that you can then don't worry about the rest, but if you think it may present a real issue in the long run then don't commit to a relationship until it doesn't.

sweet T I read your story.
I enjoyed it very much but I have one thing to say.
Go get your man!!!
A passion like that should not have any kind of distance.
It remindes me of the passion that my s/o and I have together.
I want to see a happy ending to that story.
I wish you both the very best.

sweet T I read your story.
I enjoyed it very much but I have one thing to say.
Go get your man!!!
A passion like that should not have any kind of distance.
It remindes me of the passion that my s/o and I have together.
I want to see a happy ending to that story.
I wish you both the very best.

sweet T I read your story.
I enjoyed it very much but I have one thing to say.
Go get your man!!!
A passion like that should not have any kind of distance.
It remindes me of the passion that my s/o and I have together.
I want to see a happy ending to that story.
I wish you both the very best.

sweet T I read your story.
I enjoyed it very much but I have one thing to say.
Go get your man!!!
A passion like that should not have any kind of distance.
It remindes me of the passion that my s/o and I have together.
I want to see a happy ending to that story.
I wish you both the very best.

Stuttering HotAz?

Yes Bobmi357?
Is there something I can do for you?